Permanent
by HopelesslyFictional
Summary: What if Campbell's suicide didn't go as planned?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I just posted another one shot, I know, but I had this idea in my head for while, too. So I figured, why not?**

**Reviews are always nice and greatly appreciated :) Be honest, if you didn't like the story, I'll understand. I don't pretend to be a writer... I just have a lot of feels from all these new Degrassi promos and needed a way to assuage those feels.**

**Thanks for reading! :) **

His footsteps echoed down the abandoned hallway. He choked back a few empty sobs and wiped haphazardly at his falling tears. A sense of urgency wrapped itself around his body and he felt himself start to panic-as if it were possible to be anymore panicked than he already was. He had to do something, anything, to make it all stop.

He scrambled to find an empty classroom or a janitor's closet to hide out in. Who was he kidding, all of the rooms around him were empty. All he had to do was choose one, push the door open, and have yet another anxiety attack while praying no one would barge in. It wasn't enough though. Not anymore.

He needed a more permanent solution. Permanent. The word reverberated in his mind. That single word put Cam at ease and gave him a sense of calm that he hadn't felt in years. Quietly and between his frantic breaths Cam repeated that word over and over again. Permanent.

He scrambled to the only place he knew no one would look, the one place he could find his permanent solution. As he pushed open the door to the utility room he saw them. The stairs to his freedom, the stairs to his release.

He quickly bounded up them taking them two at a time, suddenly desperate for his permanent fix. Gripping onto the bar attached to the door labeled "ROOFTOP", he took a deep breath before harshly slamming it open.

The chilly spring air enveloped him at once as the bright morning sun blinded him.

From somewhere far off into the distance, Cam heard his name being called out echoing just as his footsteps had. He recognized the voice as Dallas and at once grew disappointed that it wasn't Her voice resounding through the halls.

Oh well. Dallas, his team, Her, they were all behind him now. They could do nothing to stop him. Not like they would anyway. There was no one to stop him from obtaining his permanent solution, the solution he so desperately needed.

Looking out into the parking lot he pictured himself becoming one with the cement. He would blend into the earth and hopefully find more solace in the afterlife than he had while living.

Living. Was he even living? Was he even alive? He felt like he was cheating at life. It seemed to come so natural to everyone else but he just couldn't grasp the concept. Half the time he felt completely and utterly dead inside and the other half he struggled-and failed-to find some semblance of happiness.

His time spent singing stupid karaoke songs with Her, cuddling on the couch with Her, watching Her command the stage as she sang at one of her WhisperHug gigs, those were the times he felt most alive and now he had nothing more to look forward to. She had been the reason he was still alive but She was also responsible for killing him.

When he heard those words, "Cam, I'm sorry. I just, I can't do this anymore", he knew she had succeeded in quieting the beating of his heart. With that final goodbye Cam knew he had nothing left to live for, or rather nothing left to pretend to live for.

"CAM!" He was pulled from his thoughts by the voice calling out his name and this time he could tell that it was getting closer. He had to make a decision.

His feet seemed to be on autopilot as they carried him to the edge of the building. He knew what he had to do. It was now or never.

Taking another breath and closing his eyes, he started to lean ever so slightly and let his mind wander one more time. These were his last moments on earth, he figured he could at least take his time with them.

In the next second, though, he heard the frantic sounds of feet climbing the same stairs he has ascended just moments before and panic soon began to set in.

Just as the door was being pushed open and a begging cry escaped his captain's lips, Cam pushed himself over the edge of the building.

For a second it seemed as though time stopped. There was something clenching at his heart. Worry. Leave it to Cam to have an anxiety attack while falling to his own death.

Flying through the air, he tried to contort his body as to soften the blow that was nothing if not inevitable.

In the split second before his body hit the pavement, his worry subsided and a sense of acceptance washed over Cam as he realized it was all over. He would finally get his permanent solution.

As his body collided with the blacktop, legs first, a painful stabbing sensation coursed through Cam's body and his mind looped his comfort word over and over again to subside the panic. Permanent. Permanent. Permanent. It would all be over soon.

But as he lay there, his eyes open ever so slightly unable to move any part of his mangled body, he watched as the world around him blurred together. He heard what seemed to be distant calls of distress and sensed the close proximity of somebody next to him.

It hadn't worked. He felt the rage and the anguish he was feeling blend together and surge through his body. It hadn't worked. How couldn't it have worked?

Slowly he closed his eyes, his thoughts beginning to jumble. His body felt as though it were on fire from the immeasurable amount of pain that stabbed at every inch of his being. His senses took turns fading in and out.

Just as his hearing became nothing more than a minimal buzz in his ears, his sight regained control and his opened his eyes with an impeccable sense of caution.

And there he saw Her. Leaning over his immobile body on all fours. Her blonde hair shone in the sunlight and the wind swept it so that it blew over her shoulders. He could barely make out her features but he knew she was still the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, even in her frenzied state. He distantly felt a teardrop escape her eye and fall squarely on his cheek. More than anything he wanted to reach up and wipe away her tears, tell her that everything would be okay, and pretend that it wasn't him that had hurt her.

Unable to comprehend anymore around him, he closed his eyes once more letting the pain regain control of him.

How could this have happened? He jumped from the roof for god's sake. He hit the pavement with a loud thud that still resounded in his ears and vibrated throughout his chest. Was this some kind of joke? He was supposed to be dead right now. He needed to be dead right now.

And that's when it hit him. He had gotten what he wanted after all. The Campbell Saunders that he was before was irrevocably dead and the life he would have forever more would be like nothing he had ever experienced.

He had gotten his permanent solution.

**I know, I know, the chances of jumping from a roof and living are pretty slim. But I figured if John Locke (LOST) can get pushed out of a window and still be alive, then why can't Cam?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! :) So, I was in the mood to write but I didn't want to start a new story. I got the idea to continue this story from broizzlesmoke323. **

**I'm a little unsure about this chapter... so if it isn't up to par with the first, we can all just pretend that the second chapter never happened and think of this story as the One Shot is was intended to be. **

**And thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews on the first chapter :) Those absolutely made my day. **

His fingernail dug back into the side of the armchair, the wood scratching away with each movement. His eyelashes fluttered before he finally opened them and looked up at that damn clock tick tick ticking away. Why was it so loud?

That clock had kept him up for the past three days, mocking him. There was no purpose to it. No one in this room needed to know the time. Cam was barely holding on to consciousness and Dallas wasn't planning on returning to his regularly scheduled life until he knew Cam would be okay. He was tempted to rip the clock off the wall and throw it across the room but he willed himself to stay seated. He was afraid that if he took his eyes off Cam for even a second, he would disappear in the stark white hospital sheets and drift off into the abyss of death.

Three days. Three days he had sat in the same armchair. Three days he had stared at the battered boy laying in front of him, practically dead to the world. Three days he had picked away at the message he was inscribing into the wood.

"3". His message would mean nothing to anyone who saw it. The next person that would sit in this seat and stare at someone they knew fighting for their life might see Dallas' message and think nothing of it. It would hold no meaning, contain no truth, it would merely be the act of a bored kid rebelling against authority. But to Dallas it meant everything.

It was three seconds too late that Dallas had arrived on the roof. Three damn seconds. That number haunted him. Maybe had he ran a little faster, pushed a little harder, Cam wouldn't even be in the hospital right now.

_At least he's still alive._

Still alive but barely. As Dallas looked on at the unusually small kid engulfed in a mass of sheets and surrounded by IV monitors and tubes hooked up to unwonted places, he couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt crash over him and drag him down.

He blamed himself for everything. Why had he been so hard on the kid? Wasn't it obvious that he was already struggling? That day, the day he jumped, he practically chastised Cam in the hall.

He might as well have thrown the kid off the building himself.

Pulled from his thoughts by the buzzing in his pocket, Dallas checked his phone while still keeping a mindful eye on Cam.

"Hey captain, you coming to practice today? Coach said everyone should be here."

He read the text from Luke four times before responding with the answer he guessed the team already knew.

"Not today. I'm gonna keep a watch over Rookie. Maybe tomorrow."

Lies. He wouldn't be there tomorrow or the day after that. Since the accident, the thought of hockey had only made him nauseous. He knew they had play-offs coming up and it wasn't fair to the other guys but quite frankly it pissed him off that they weren't here instead.

It had only been three days and yet everyone was moving on with their lives. Classmates were already back to preparing class projects and meeting at The Dot, his teammates were back at two-a-day practices and Alli had already found a new kid to tutor.

Although they never spoke, Dallas felt grateful to the blonde niner that had lurked the halls for the past three days. Every so often she would peer through the window and look on an unconscious Cam while tears streamed down her face and red blotches of skin seemed to forever stain her cheeks. He imagined she was going to school about as much as he was since he saw her at least twice a day.

He felt grateful towards her, even if she never came into the room. He understood, it was hard enough on him to sit there and watch his former teammate struggle just to breath; he couldn't imagine what the situation was doing to her. He found comfort in her walking the halls. At least someone else cared about Campbell Saunders.

Once again he was pulled from his thoughts by the grumbling of his stomach. It had been a while since he'd eaten a whole meal. The nurse brought him something every morning and every night but he would simply push it away and go back to scratching his message into the armchair. A few times he had crackers that she coaxed him into eating but really they tasted like nothing. He didn't have an appetite and in the off chance that he did, the feeling was quickly replaced with one of guilt.

He thought about pressing the call button and getting something to eat. There was no use in him wasting away with Cam, even if he did deserve it. Just as he reached for the button, he heard something that made his voice catch in his throat and his breathing to become halted.

"Dallas?" The meek voice floated through the room and Dallas had to wonder if he was imagining it.

"What... Where am I? What's going on?" The voice spoke again and before Dallas had time to think, he responded as quickly as he could, afraid that the newly awoken Cam would drift off again and never come back.

"Hey, Rook. Um, you're in the hospital. A couple days ago, well three days ago, you, uh, you fell off the roof at Degrassi. You scared a lot of people. We didn't know if you were gonna be okay but here you are and you're awake. That's a really good sign. Uh, your parents are flying in but it's going to take them a couple days. Their flight got cancelled and they had to find someone to watch your little sister but they're coming. Maya has been here everyday, too. I just... I'm here because I thought you could, uh, use a friend when you woke up."

Cam's face, which seemed to be registering everything Dallas said, contorted on the word "friend" and left a look so disgusted in its place Cam became almost unrecognizable.

"We are not friends. We have never been friends. You can pretend that you care about me because it's your duty as captain and because I just fell off a two story building but do not_ ever_ pretend that we are friends." Cam spit the words out with so much venom, Dallas felt as though he had been punched in the stomach.

"Rookie... I'm..."

"Don't call me that."

"I'm sorry... Cam. I'm really, really sorry. I know I haven't been the best captain. Hell, I don't even deserve to call myself captain. I did nothing to help you when I saw you were struggling and I..." The tears started to form now. Three days without shedding a single tear and now it felt as though the floodgates had finally opened.

"You're right! You weren't a captain, you weren't a teammate, and you weren't a friend! Do you know how miserable I've been since I came to Degrassi? Do you know what each day was like as all of my teammates picked on me and made fun of me? You don't! And you still don't get it. You think you do, but you don't!" Cam's voice cracked as tears of his own flowed freely down his face but he continued on anyway. "I tried so hard to make it easier. I tried playing Right Wing, I tried hard in practice, I tried to fit in with you guys, but it was all too much! And you didn't let up at all! You saw me drowning and instead of pulling me to safety, you just added more water. I looked up to you, Dallas, when i first got here. I saw this senior, captain of the almighty Ice Hounds, and I saw how easy everything was for him and I wanted to be him, to be like him. Too bad I found out he was nothing more than an arrogant asshole."

"Campbell, I know. I know I'm an asshole, I know I neglected you, I know this team and this school have been hell for you and you're right, I did nothing to help. I feel terrible about it all. When you jum... fell off the roof, my heart stopped. I looked down and I saw you laying there in a pool of your own blood and I wanted to jump off the roof and join you. I will never regret anything more than letting things get so far. And I do care about you, Cam. The Ice Hounds are my family and you're like my brother even though I've been a horrible brother to you and I'm just so happy that you're okay. I will never forgive himself. Never. And I'm really, really sorry, man... I just..." His broken sobs stopped him from continuing on. He had more to say but couldn't. He had never spoken more truth in his entire life and he hoped that Cam recognized that he was being genuine. Even so, he didn't expect Cam to forgive him so the next moment shocked him unlike anything else.

Dallas felt Cam's weak and trembling hand reach out and pat him on the back. He didn't know if it meant that Cam forgave him or was just pitying him but either way, the hand on his back meant more to Dallas than anyone could imagine. It felt like a renewal.

Together they sat in silence, a few tears still escaping their eyes, before a nurse came in and told Dallas that he had to go as they had to run some tests on Cam.

As he exited the room, he paused for a moment and looked back at the younger boy. The meekest of smiles appeared on Cam's face and Dallas realized that he could barely hear the clock's tick tick ticking anymore. He wondered why he had imagined it so loud before.

Just as he was rounding the corner to head to the cafeteria, he saw the blonde girl peering through the same door he had just exited. This time instead of tears and a somber expression, her face lit up as she reached for the door handle.

Dallas smiled to himself, smiled for the first time in three days, and just prayed that this new understanding with Campbell was permanent.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everybody! :) To everyone that has reviewed this story, I cannot even explain how happy you made me. It instantly brightens my mood when I read what you think of this story. I can't thank you enough. Really. **

**As for this chapter, I'm kind of iffy about it. I tried to get how I think Maya's character would feel just right but I'm not so sure. **

**Let me know what you think! **

_Sirens. Screaming. A mangled body lying in a pool of blood. A brown haired boy, her brown haired boy. _

The memories came flooding back to Maya every time she peered through the small, square window and looked on as the boy she loved more than anything lay there lifeless.

She had lost count of the amount of times she had gradually reached for the door handle and threatened to open it. It was the same amount of times she had slunk away and instead found a desolate corner to cry in.

Opening that door meant absolution. It was one thing to stare at him through a window and pray that he would be alright, that he would pull through. She knew that once she took a step in the room she had so perfectly memorized from her spot at the window, knew that once she held his limp hand in hers, once she heard his muffled breathing, it would all be over. The world Maya had concocted around her would come crumbling down and without a conscious Cam by her side, she wasn't sure if she could handle it.

For three days now she had worked on perfecting a new routine. After a restless, and usually sleepless, night she would roll out of bed and dress in the first thing she laid eyes on, usually a pair of baggy sweats and a t-shirt. She didn't bother with fixing her hair or doing her makeup as the only boy she wanted to impress was confined to a building that exuded death.

After arguing with both her parents and Katie for a good twenty minutes, Maya would storm out of the house and make her way to the hospital. She didn't give a damn where her parents thought she was going and she cared even less about the inevitable piles of schoolwork waiting for her back at school.

Maya had learned these past three days that it was safer to focus in on one subject during her walks and her time spent at the hospital. If she let her mind wander for even a second she was sure she would find herself on the floor crying into the scuffed tiles unable to move.

Her thoughts haunted her and it was getting more and more difficult to hide from them. Memories of their relationship lurked where she least expected: when their song came on the radio in the waiting room, a kid hauled into the ER for a minor hockey injury, even a flower she saw resting in a vase on one of the nurses' stations reminded her of their uncoordinated garden date.

The problem wasn't memories, though. She found comfort in remembering the blissful times and found that it was easier to pretend that the whole breakup never happened; it was easier to convince herself that she wasn't the reason he plummeted two stories to his hopeful death. The problem was the inevitable connection her mind made between those blissful memories and the new questions that ate away at her.

_Why would he want to end his life? Why didn't I notice his struggle before? God, Maya, you knew that fall off the catwalk wasn't an accident... Why didn't you do anything about it? _

The questions wafted through her mind day after day and an overwhelming sense of guilt periodically consumed her until she felt she could no longer breath or that the room was slowly closing in.

And on certain days that guilt would mix with anger and create a feeling in the pit of her stomach unlike anything she had ever before experienced. Around the second day of sitting and staring at that godforsaken door, Maya had finally come to terms with the indescribable emotion she was feeling. She was angry at Campbell Saunders; in fact, she was outright furious.

It was then, when that undeniable anger surged through her body, that she would get up and march to the door, ready to pounce on whoever got in her way. Once she reached the door, fury flowing through her fingertips, she would glare through the small window and...

Feel nothing but pure sadness. A sadness so powerful Maya felt as though her lungs were collapsing, her body convulsing, her heart tearing slowly and painfully at the seams. She could do no more than stare at Cam and try not to fall apart as the impervious question "why?" rang through her ears.

She knew it wasn't fair to him, her standing out in the hall like a coward. Had the roles been reversed Campbell would have been the first one in her room, never leaving her side, and whispering sweet nothings in her ear in the hopes that she would soon wake up. And she owed as much to him. Exes or not, she loved that boy more than anything and she had to be strong for him.

On that third day, after giving herself a pep talk and clumsily pushing her hair behind her ears, Maya gripped onto the picture frame she'd brought with her and braced herself to finally enter the room. His room.

The tears already falling down her cheeks, she cautiously peeked through the window she had so many times seen her sad reflection in and was more than shocked to see a conscious Campbell Saunders staring back her.

She could practically feel the excitement beaming from her, her smile spread so wide she wondered if her small face could contain it. For the first time since this hell had started, Maya pushed open the door and walked inside.

Realizing the seriousness of the situation, Maya's joyful demeanor soon dissipated as she inched closer to the bed before stopping a few feet in front of the newly awoken boy.

"Cam." Her voice came out less confident then she had hoped, quieter than the ticking of the clock on the wall.

"_Maya_..." His voice at once made her heart melt and the way he breathed out her name made her feel like she was the one thing binding him to the earth. All at once he made her feel needed and important and loved.

"H**–**how are you feeling?"

"I've been better. I guess I, uh, took quite a fall. How do I look?"

"Well, you've certainly looked better. I don't think blue hospital gown is the right look for you..." She tried her hand at a small joke and was relieved when she saw him crack a smile, letting out a genuine laugh. Just like that, the awkward innocence that defined their relationship brought a quiet comfort to the room and at once lightened the mood.

"So, what do you have there?" He motioned to the picture frame she had almost forgot she was carrying.

"Oh! Right... Well I just thought that you could use something to make this room, um, a little less depressing. I don't know, it's kind of stupid. You don't have to actually put it out or anything. I just thought it would make you smile..." Still mumbling, suddenly unsure of her gesture, she handed the frame to Cam.

At once his eyes lit up, his face already shining from the way the sunlight perfectly hit him only seemed to brighten, and she could almost detect a single tear threatening to fall from those gorgeous brown eyes of his.

"Maya, this is, this is absolutely perfect. I love it." She watched as he leaned over and set the frame displaying a set of their first date photo booth pictures on his side table.

"I'm glad you like it... I just, when I made it, I thought about our first date... And about you, and..." Tears. More tears than she even knew possible these days.

"Come here." He motioned for her to sit next to him on the bed and opened his arms graciously to receive a sobbing Maya.

Feeling his arms wrap around her body, her head fitting perfectly just as it always had into the crook of his neck, Maya finally felt a sense of ease. She could have stayed there forever, him rubbing her back and whispering comforting "it's okay"'s into her ear but she knew what she was about to do would ruin all of that.

She had to pop the unrealistic bubble they were residing in. She needed to know why he did it, what possessed him to jump off a roof, and if he even considered her feelings before doing so.

Pulling away slowly, eyes averted down unable to actually look at him, Maya began.

"When I saw you lying there barely holding onto life, my heart stopped, Cam. If you weren't okay, if you had... d-died, I honestly don't know what I would have done. And I'm just trying to understand why. Why you tried to kill yourself-"

"Kill myself? Maya, I didn't try to kill myself."

"Cam, you were on the roof of Degrassi and you ended up on the ground, I just-"

"I fell. I didn't do it on purpose. People fall all the time. I'm fine."

Utterly confused by the words coming from his mouth and the unreadable look on his face, Maya tried daringly to continue on.

"You didn't just fall, Cam. You fell from a roof. And it wasn't an accident! You told me before that you 'just fell' from the catwalk, that wasn't an accident either, was it?"

"I told you before that I wasn't some loser who tries to hurt himself. If you can't believe that, then fine. But I didn't try to kill myself, Maya."

Denial. So much denial. She couldn't understand, didn't understand why he couldn't just admit what he did, or least what he tried to do. The whole school knew, hell the whole town knew, there was no use fighting it anymore.

"Cam, I'm not judging you. I just want you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted for you. And I think, well, I think you should see somebody. You know, to talk about things... Maybe they can help you with what you're feeling. I'll still be here for you, always, but I'm not a professional and this is serious-"

"_Get out_." A new emotion invaded the eyes of Campbell Saunders, one she had never seen before. Deep in those puppy dog eyes, behind the tears and mask of denial, Maya found rage. Rage and anger and hatred.

"No, wait, Cam..."

"GET OUT!"

"I..."

"I said leave. _Now._"

With her own anger building up inside of her, with tears threatening to spill over, and with a new sense of loneliness overtaking her whole body, Maya ran out of the room her feet moving with a mind of their own.

He didn't want her anymore. He hated her. She ruined everything. There was no going back from this. He looked at her like he despised the very air that surrounded her.

She had nothing connecting her to her former self. No friends and no Campbell. No more happiness.

Time for a fresh start. New attitude, new life, new Maya.

As she pushed through the double doors leading to her new existence, she heard a painstaking crash resounding through the hall. She could bet that somewhere in the room of one Campbell Saunders a picture frame lay shattered and forgotten.

That picture frame, their relationship, their memories all dead. And now the old Maya was too.

She wiped away the few remaining tears that spilled from her eyes and walked into the sunlight, determined to move on with her life.

Her time with Campbell Saunders was over. And this time it felt permanent.

**I honestly can't see Cam jumping from a roof and then just admitting it all and trying to get help. I think we've seen that he struggles with his feelings and I really think there would be a lot of denial surrounding his character if he ever actually tried anything. **

**And I kind of wanted to incorporate how Maya was acting in the promos (kissing that random guy, dressing nicer, "this is the new me!") so I figured her feeling unwanted and having nothing left would be a decent lead in to her acting OOC. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello! :) I just want to again thank everyone who is reading and reviewing this story. You truly don't know how grateful I am.**

**I hope you guys like this update! I'm thinking maybe 3 more chapters after this? One more Dallas POV, one more Maya POV, and then finish with a Campbell POV? I'm not sure yet.**

**On a side note: I am so worried for this Friday's episode. It's honestly giving me anxiety. I need Campbell to be okay. He and Camaya are the main reasons why I watch Degrassi now :( **

He stared at the broken remains of the frame, tears clouding his eyes.

Slowly the hazy fog of anger that resided in his mind lifted and he was left with a monstrous amount of regret. He heard her footsteps echo down the hall, could still hear her sobs, saw a blurred vision of her perfectly blonde hair scurry past his window on the sidewalk outside.

He knew he needed to go after her. There was no way he was going to lose her. Not again.

_Why are you so stupid, Campbell? _

He pulled himself up in bed and was ready to make a run for it, chase her down, and apologize profusely until she was once again in his arms.

Just as he went to swing his legs over the side of the bed, he noticed something horribly, horribly wrong.

_What the hell is this? _

"HELP! Somebody! Help please!"

_Calm down, Campbell. Deep breaths. It's probably just the medicine they gave you, you're still just a little numb. _

But deep down he knew that this was more than the numbing you felt before they drilled a tooth or performed a surgery. No. This was something else entirely.

He could see his legs, he could reach down and grab them, slide his fingers roughly along the sides of them, but he could feel nothing. He felt nothing. _Nothing_.

For a moment he had to wonder if he was dreaming. There was no way he could survive a two story drop, lose the love of his life for a second time nonetheless, _and_ lose all feeling in his legs. The world couldn't be that cruel.

Staring at his stationary legs, something inside of Campbell snapped. He was now emotionally and physically broken. Feelings of grief, anger, confusion, and intense frustration swirled around inside of him until he could do no more than let a mass of tears well up in his eyes and wait until they soared down the sides of his face, soaking the sheets beneath him.

"SOMEONE! SOMETHING IS WRONG!"

His mind searched for hollow answers as his body registered the call button gripped tightly in his hands. Panic surged through his fingers until the call light outside his door was lighting up and sounding like a set of fireworks.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" A frenzied nurse finally entered and was met by an anxiety-filled Cam.

"I can't feel my legs and it's probably, um probably, the medicine but the feeling is just gone. I keep hitting my legs and scratching them and trying to move them and just, noth-nothing is working. You have to help me. Please help me! What's going on?"

"Mr. Saunders, let's just wait until your family gets here, okay? Then I'll get the doctor in here, and he can explain the situation better than myself anyway. Can we do that?"

"Please. Just tell me. You have to tell me! It's my body, I need to know what's going on. Tell me!" A sudden bolt of panic surged through his body. He just needed to hear what was wrong; he needed confirmation.

"Please, Mr. Saunders... Your family should be here an-"

"No! I want to know what's wrong with me! I have that right, don't I? Please."

"Well... I suppose. Mr. Saunders, when you fell from the building, you hit the pavement legs first. Various bones were crushed underneath the weight of your body and the nerves that give your legs the ability to move were destroyed. It's very likely that you will be paralyzed-"

The nurse kept explaining but Campbell heard no more.

_Paralyzed. _

His whole body went numb. His throat suddenly dried up and made swallowing difficult. The words of the nurse faded away and the sound of rushing water mixed with the incredibly loud beating of his heart invaded his ears. The world seemed to darken and enclose around him.

Trapped. He felt trapped. Trapped in the hospital, trapped in a room with a rambling nurse who didn't know what the hell she was talking about, trapped and confined to this stupid hospital bed. Trapped in his body. Trapped in his life.

A shiver brought him back to reality and he picked up on the last few words of the nurse.

"This is the modern age, though. There's always procedures and treatments, stem cell research is being done everyday. Of course you have to consult with your parents and your doctor but is anything really permanent these days?"

He noticed the hopeful optimism in her voice but he didn't have the heart to recognize it.

"I'm very sorry, Mr. Saunders. Are you okay?"

The words registered in his mind but he could do little more than stare past the nurse at the wall despondently.

"Well, okay. Your parents should be here soon. They called the hospital a while ago. We didn't want to interrupt you and your little friend to tell you. It's good to have friends visit, it really speeds up recovery. And she's been here everyday since the accident. She's such a cute little thi-"

"She won't be coming back." He finally found the strength to mutter something. He just wanted the nurse to leave, immediately regretting calling her in the first place.

"Oh, we'll that's too bad. I'll, uh, leave you alone for a while. Someone should be here in a bit to take your vitals."

With that the nurse clicked the door behind her and Campbell fell back into his hazy fog.

_Paralyzed. _

* * *

For four days since he heard the news, he had stared at the blank television hanging above his bed. Saw his broken reflection stare back at him and shuddered every time he met the eyes of the stranger.

His family had arrived three days prior and he had almost wished they had never come.

"Oh, my poor Campbell! My baby..." His mother choked out the same phrases every time she came to visit him. And every time he had to face his mother's glossy eyes and pale complexion as she wrapped her noticeably weaker arms around his frame.

"Nice job, little bro." Trying and failing to be a source of normality, his older brother, Justin always managed to say something witty. Campbell would have appreciated it too, had a tear not slid down the older boy's cheek every time he said it.

His dad was by far the hardest to face.

"Son, you really scared us there. If you weren't okay, we... I'm just so glad you're okay. I love you, kid." Always one to be straight forward but never emotional, Campbell simply couldn't comprehend the image of his dad's unusually puffy eyes boring into his own.

He felt bad about what he was putting them through and even worse by the time they left.

On this particular day, Cam had asked for no visitors. Something he had heard his younger brother whisper to his mother the day before had resonated within him and he couldn't escape the way it had made him feel.

"Mommy, does this mean no more hockey for Cam?"

The way his mother's shoulders sagged, the way his father's breath came out in a sigh, and the distanced stare his older brother held on the clock had all been enough to reacquaint Cam with a feeling he was already so familiar with: disappointment.

Disappointment everywhere he looked. He was nothing but a colossal disappointment to his family.

_Star player soon headed for the NHL ends up in hospital paralyzed on suicide watch. _

And to think he had hoped that being in the hospital would alleviate some of that disappointment...

Now it felt like the already two ton weight on his shoulders had doubled and the sinking sensation he felt hiding in his chest seemed more abundant these days.

_Why didn't I just die? _

Pulled from his morbid thoughts by a nurse entering the room, Cam found that it took all the strength he could muster not to yell at her to get out.

Didn't anyone understand that he just wanted to be left alone?

"Good morning, Mr. Saunders! Did you sleep well?" Giving no indication that he had heard her, Cam found himself more than annoyed when she continued on. "Your doctor thought today would be a good day to start wheelchair training. It's important that you know how to get around on your own in a chair. And if all goes well, after a few more days of observation, you'll be free to go home."

He had been given a choice a few days back as to whether he wanted to remain in Toronto or head back home.

_Home_. What was home anymore?

He ultimately decided to stay in Toronto as he figured it was the lesser of two evils. At least Toronto had Her-even if things were irrevocably ruined between them. Degrassi would be hell but he'd rather endure stares and whispers in this foreign place than face the surely disappointed town he once belonged to. He'd left Kapuskasing to train for the NHL and now he was permanently confined to a wheelchair all because his inner psycho finally decided to show itself.

His parents had made arrangements that would have at least one of them staying with him at his billet parent's house at a time. But all those plans and preparation seemed like a hundred years ago.

Now it was really here. Now this was happening.

Campbell Saunders would leave this place in a metal chair and never again would he be without it.

Back to staring despondently at the TV, Campbell saw out of the corner of his eye something shiny being wheeled into the room.

Turning his head ever so slightly, he came face to face with his new companion.

Upon seeing the chair, Campbell felt a wave of sadness crash over him and pull him down to its deepest depths.

It was a sadness so powerful, so draining, he didn't know if he would ever escape it.

**I'm sorry if I messed up the medical lingo. I tried to make it sound somewhat realistic... **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! :) So, I know this isn't one of my best chapters but I just kind of wanted to tie some things up with Dallas and Cam and incorporate some of the OOC Maya. I'm still thinking about one more Maya chapter and ending with a Cam chapter.**

**To everyone who reviews and even those that don't and instead just read this story, you are all amazing people and honestly thank you so much. To hear people say they are crying over this story or that I'm their favorite author on here or just saying that they like the story, you have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you :)**

**And I am ****_still _****heartbroken over Campbell's death. I have never related so much to a character before and to think that he's just gone is really, really sad. Degrassi completely broke my heart on Friday.**

**Please let me know what you think! **

Cautiously he wiped the palms of his hands onto his jeans before ringing the doorbell.

It had been a little over a week since he had last seen Cam. Since they last found a new understanding. Since Dallas had apologized and broke down. And a little over a week since he had last slept soundly.

He had wanted to come sooner but he figured the family probably wanted their space. Even now standing at the door, he had an internal desire to turn around and run until he could no longer feel the burning in his lungs.

Mentally debating on whether or not he should stay, Dallas heard the front door open and looked up expecting to see an adult figure staring back at him.

Instead he was met with Campbell Saunders himself. And a chair.

He wanted to cry. He could already feel tears prick the back of his eyes and he had to blink profusely to shun them away.

It seemed like hours passed before the buzzing in his ears finally subsided and he realized Cam had been trying to get his attention.

"...Dallas! Hello?"

"Oh, sorry! Uh, hi. I just thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing..."

At once he noticed the hesitation that clouded Cam's eyes.

"Look, Cam, I'm really trying here. I really, really want to be there for you, man. I-"

"Come on in, Dallas."

He was sure the relief that washed over his face was wholly evident and the sigh that escaped his lips completely audible as he made his way into the living room.

The house seemed quiet and he figured no one else was home. The only sound was that of the two unfamiliar wheels moving across the carpet and the frustrated breaths coming from Cam's mouth.

Dallas took a moment while the younger boy was getting settled to examine him. He noticed a sadness apparent that he hadn't moments earlier. It was a sadness so prevalent that it almost scared him. Looking at the younger boy, he was taken aback by just how sad he really was. The boy practically exuded depression.

"So, Cam, how are you doing?"

"I've obviously been better but uh, I don't know. I guess I should just be glad I'm alive."

The younger boy said the latter part of his statement with such disregard it made Dallas want to stand up and slap him.

_Of course you should be glad you're alive Rookie! Do you even know what it would have done to everyone if you had died?! _

Visions of a crying mother, a mournful hockey team, and a broken girlfriend crowded into his mind and he wanted nothing more than to shake Cam out of his stupor.

As he was contemplating what Cam's death would have done to him, the younger boy continued the conversation.

"So, how's Degrassi?"

_Guilty_.

"I wouldn't know. I haven't gone since... the accident." He barely spoke above a whisper, too ashamed that he wasn't even the one in a chair but still felt it necessary to miss school.

He knew he couldn't face the students, the regular routine of high school. Not when his teammate was at home reminded of his shattered dreams.

"Oh, well how's hockey? How are the guys?"

_Guilty_.

"I, uh, I haven't been going to hockey either."

Even knowing Cam was alright, he couldn't bring himself to lace up his skates and hit the ice.

He had sat at an empty rink a few days back. It was a little past 2 in the morning when Dallas had decided that he needed to get out. The rooms of his bedroom seemed to be enclosing around him and the air being sucked right out of his lungs. Usually hockey was his one and only way to work off any stress and clear his head for a while.

He had stared at the darkened rink, smelled the ice waft through the rafters overhead, could feel his skates fit around his two feet just as they always had... But nothing about it was familiar anymore. Staring at what he once cherished, Dallas felt a creeping sense of guilt seep through him that made it impossible to move.

_Why do I get to skate and clear my head when Rookie doesn't? Why do I get to practice for play-offs when he will never make it there? Why do I get to try for the NHL when his dreams of going pro have been ripped away? _

Walking the streets later that early morning, determined never to step back on the ice again, Dallas threw his Ice Hounds sweatshirt in a trash can. He hadn't been able to look at his hockey bag since.

His memories of that night tore him up inside just as he heard Cam speak again.

"Alright, this ends now."

"What?" Confusion clouded Dallas' head. Had he said something wrong?

"Dallas, you have to go to school and you definitely have to get back on the ice. You owe that to your team. You know they can't make play-offs without their captain."

"I just..."

"And you owe it to me. You told me like five minutes ago that you wanted us to be friends, that you were trying. Well if that's true, then you need to try a little harder. I'm not going to let you throw your hockey career away because you feel sorry for me-"

"No, I don't feel sor-"

Completely ignoring his protests, Dallas heard Cam continuing on.

"I'm going to make you a deal because it's time we both stop feeling down on ourselves. We are both going back to school tomorrow. You and me. If I can do it in this damn piece of metal, then you can certainly make it on two feet. And then after school, you're going to hockey practice and you're going to get those guys ready for play-offs. Deal?"

Shocked at how caring Cam was being when his own world was crumbling around him, Dallas was left speechless.

"Ye-yeah. Deal, Rook. I mean, Cam."

He saw the younger boy give the slightest of smiles before nodding his head.

"Good."

He was about to change the subject, keep this new normalcy going, when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Quickly he pulled it out of his jacket, ready to ignore whoever it was so as not to break the new mood in the room.

His heart dropped when he saw it was a video from Maya and the still frame was one of a blonde girl atop a guy who looked nothing like Cam.

Clearly his face had faltered because seconds later Cam was questioning what was wrong.

"Hey! Dallas! What's going on? Something happen?"

Desperate to erase the video, his hands shook as he replied to the boy.

"Noth-nothing. Uh, yeah, it's just the guys asking about practice and yeah, that's all."

But Cam was clearly not convinced. Dallas felt the phone being ripped from his hold and cursed himself for not coming up with a better excuse.

Cam clearly didn't need anything like this right now. Not in this state.

He looked up and saw the boy's face drop and the sadness that had momentarily dissipated return to his brown eyes.

He figured Cam must have hit the play button because party music and giggles sounded through the quiet house.

"Cam..." He spoke

"No, it's fine. I'm okay. I swear. I guess I should have expected this really. I lost her when I fell off that building. I couldn't expect her to wait for me. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts but it is what it is, right? But uh, I think I'd like to get some sleep, if you don't mind. I'm just really tired."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean-"

"I promise you, Dallas, I will not do anything. I'm not even mad. I'm just tired."

Although there was a nagging feeling in the bottom of his stomach, there was something in Cam's eyes that made Dallas believe that he would be okay. That he meant what he said.

"Alright, well, I'll pick you up tomorrow? For school? Right?"

"Yes, I'll be here and ready. I swear. Bye Dallas."

And with that he turned to leave the dismal house but not before he heard Cam's voice fill the room once again.

"And Dallas? It's not your fault."

"Cam..."

"Goodbye, Dallas."

He turned and looked at the sad boy giving him a nod of confirmation and left the house feeling as though the immeasurable weight on his shoulders had finally been lifted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everyone :) I'm still thinking the next chapter will be the last one for this story.**

As always, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your reviews. I will never be able to express what they mean to me.

To TheOceanCrumb: That was completely my fault and I apologize. I just assumed that everyone knew about the promo where Maya is kissing another guy at a party and someone is recording it with their phone. I was just playing off of the promo. So, I am sorry! I should have elaborated more in that update but I think I did better explaining it in this one.

Please let me know what you guys think! 

Her hands found their way into his frizzy hair as she felt his callused hands on her waist.

_Those don't feel like Cam's soft hands. _

She tangled her fingers between the unfamiliar black hair and tugged lightly. She wasn't entirely sure if her actions were right but the boy didn't seem to mind.

_Cam and I never kissed like this before._

The boy roughly turned them over on her small living room couch so that he took dominance on top of her. She felt her blonde hair being tousled and her shirt slip below her shoulder.

_Cam wouldn't be so aggressive. He was never rough with me._

_Cam._

Maya's thoughts drifted to the ex–hockey player and an undeniable need to cry washed over her.

Sending that video seemed like a good idea at the time but looking back, nothing about that night was a good idea.

She didn't even know why she went to that damn party in the first place. All she remembered was smeared mascara, shaky hands, and a vague text from Zig telling her about Drew's party that night.

At first she treated it like any other invitation she had ever received and sent Zig back a "thanks, but no thanks" kind of response.

It was his constant begging and her realization that she was supposed to be the "new Maya" that brought her to the steps of Drew's house.

It was that same realization that influenced her to pick up a red cup, or two, or three.

And the same realization that landed her on a random bed with the frizzy–haired grade 10.

A mere five minutes after her spontaneous make out session, the video was posted on Facerange and sent to Mike Dallas. And she had been pretty satisfied with herself.

_That'll show him. He doesn't want me, fine. Doesn't mean other people don't. I've moved on Campbell Saunders and this is the new me._

Of course that satisfaction ended just as quickly as it had started when she woke up with a throbbing headache, slight memory loss, and an angry text from Dallas.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Matlin? Cam saw that video. Are you trying to kill him?"

She had locked that messaged on her phone and had several times cried while staring at it.

What _was _wrong with her?

_Who was she anymore?_

Maya wanted to believe that she wasn't the spiteful type or the type of girl that would show up at a party, get wasted, and make out with a random guy. She wanted to believe that she wouldn't do that to Cam. That she couldn't be that heartless, that messed up. But there it was.

The video was plastered all over Facerange, on several twitter accounts, and still being sent around through text.

And all she could see was Cam's angelic face, plastered with tears and permanent sadness as he watched her all over another guy. And to know that she caused his pain killed her.

_She hated herself. _

And it was that hatred that motivated her to seek out the grade 10 once again and invite him over.

"Hey, I like you. A lot."

_Lie. I barely know his name._

"And you should come over, tonight. We can... hang out." She spoke the words seductively with a smirk on her face, internally hoping she wouldn't be rejected in the middle of the crowded hall.

"Uh, sure, why not?" He spoke with such indifference and she knew that she was no more than a casual hook–up to him. Even worse, she didn't care.

She hated herself, Cam hated her, everyone hated her. Might as well find affection where she could. Even if she meant nothing to this guy, at least he _wanted_ her.

With her mind set, Maya was less than thrilled that her thoughts drifted to Cam at every point during the day.

_Move on already, Maya. He doesn't want you. You can't want him._

She found herself thinking of Cam even as she reached for the doorknob later that night, letting the dark haired boy into her home.

Without even a greeting, desperately needing a distraction, Maya led the boy to her couch while pushing him down.

Though it was no use. Her mind was on a constant Campbell loop and she couldn't make the queasiness in her stomach go away.

_This isn't Cam. This isn't right._

Thoughts of guilt, sweet memories, and uneasy feelings sought to control her mind when she was pulled from her confusion to a hand reaching a little bit too high.

His cold, rough hands traveled up her sides as she was once again reminded of the absence of much softer, gentler hands.

She opened her eyes suddenly realizing that she was silently crying and scrambled to push the older boy off of her.

"What's the problem?" The boy's question vibrated through the room and Maya felt an anger bubbling inside of her that she had to fight to control.

"Uh, I just, I've never done this before..."

"Just go with it."

_Cam would've never pressured me. He would have been kind and gentle and he would have understood._

Struggling for a response, never had Maya been so happy to hear a door open, as Katie walked into the living with disgust smeared all over her face.

"Time for you to leave." She noticed Katie looked as though she could actually murder the boy.

"Whatever." Maya, tears already filling her eyes, wanted to cry harder, wanted to lock herself in her room and hide away for the rest of her life.

"Get out. Now. And don't ever talk to my sister again."

The dark haired boy left with a slam of the door and Maya ran to her room ignoring Katie's pleading questions.

It was on the floor, leaning against her door that Maya fell asleep that night, her tears never stopping.

* * *

With her eyes still puffy and her face splattered with red blotches, Maya had figured school the next day would be hell.

But all remaining hope she had left to make it through the day shattered within her with the single opening of a door.

Searching without much care for her chemistry book, she noticed a numb silence had fallen over the hall. Straightening her glasses, she glanced up and was met with the brown, sad eyes of Campbell Saunders. She was fairly certain a gasp had escaped her lips and she had to grab unto her open locker for support.

She held eye contact for a short while before looking down at the ground, hardly breathing.

Stealing a chance glance a few seconds later, she watched Cam ascend down the hall, confined to a metal chair, with Dallas only a step behind.

Maya had predicted how this moment would go a thousand times in her head and every account contained stares and whispers, a vast difference from the averted gazes and deafening silence that now invaded the hallway. And in none of the ways she had imagined his return did he sit in a chair.

The sight of him, helpless and obviously sad, rolling down the hallway had been enough to cripple her.

She faintly heard the bell ring, but only remained standing there, tears welling in her blue eyes.

_No more pretending. This is real._

_And I can't even be there to help him through it._

_I ruined everything._

* * *

Maya tried to recount the day but found that she couldn't quite connect how she had made it to the band room. For all she knew, she had stayed standing in the hall, people rushing by her and hushing when Cam was near, all day.

She barely understood the numbers on the clock but somehow knew that the school day had ended.

Numbly, she played various slow songs on her cello, allowing her sadness to intertwine with her music until she was sure even a passing janitor would understand her pain.

She flipped the page in her song book and realized she had played them all.

_How long have I been here?_

Reluctantly, she decided she should get home. A cocoon of blankets and a soft mattress seemed heavenly to Maya and just the appeal of escaping through sleep made her clean up that much faster.

As she was folding up lose music sheets, a piercing sound met her ears and she ran to the door frame.

The sight before her caused her breath to hitch and her heart to hasten.

From her invisible spot at the door, she watched an angry Cam ruthlessly punch lockers, move on to a window and shatter it by throwing a textbook through it, and then move down the hall even further towards a trash can.

With difficultly, he reached for the can and tossed it with surprising force down the hall, the rest of his books soon following. He rammed his chair into a classroom door before repeatedly pounding it with his fists.

She watched him convulse into a heap of sobs, the red fury on his face slowly dulling to a gentler hue. Loud, empty sobs broke through the lonely hall and she watched as his head made its way into his hands.

Tears rolled off his face landing on his sweatshirt and Maya felt paralyzed with concern.

Perhaps her silent breathing grew more rapid because in the next moment, Maya found that she had been discovered.

Cam's head shot up and he looked at Maya with the most desperate look she had ever witnessed.

"Maya... I... I..." She ran to him, her own tears mixing with what she hoped to be a reassuring smile.

"No, it's okay. It's okay. You're okay."

"No, Maya–"

"Cam, it's okay. It's gonna be okay."

"Maya, I did it." She could feel her face fall, knew her reassuring manner had failed, knew what he was about to say. And she didn't know how she felt about it.

"I did it. I tried to kill myself. And I am _so mad at myself, _Maya. I'm so mad at myself for trying something so stupid. For not being strong enough to fight, to fight through it for you, for my mom, for myself. I wasn't strong enough–I'm not strong enough. And I hate myself for it. Why wasn't I strong enough, Maya? Why wasn't I strong–" The sobs that cut him off, the look on his face, and his truthful confession were all Maya needed to completely break her heart.

_This is it, Maya. Time to be brave. Time to be strong. For him._

"Campbell, look at me." Confidently she sat herself in his lap and grabbed his face in her hands, forcing him to look in her eyes. "You are the bravest person I know. You were strong. You _are_ strong. But you were also broken. And you're right, it was the dumbest thing you've tried because if you had succeeded, I wouldn't have known what to do with myself. I need you, Campbell Saunders. And I don't need weak people in my life. You are not weak. You're wonderful and I hope that one day you'll see what I do... you'll see how worth it you are. But right now we just need to focus on getting you better. I need you to get better, Cam. Please. Can you try to get better for me?"

She felt two arms wrap themselves around her waist and pull her close. She fell into his body and couldn't help but take in the familiarity of the situation. It felt right.

_It felt like home._

"I need help, Maya." His voice was practically begging and Maya let out a sigh of relief that he wanted, that he really wanted, to get better.

"And we're going to get you help, Cam. I'm going to help you. I will help you. _I promise._"


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello everyone :) I'm sorry, I wanted to get this final chapter up sooner but I have had a ridiculous amount of school work lately. Anyway, it's finally here. The last chapter. And I have to thank you all so much as usual.**

**When I first started this story, I was not confident in it at all. It was just intended to be a one shot and a way for me to get my feelings out. But with your encouragement and reviews, it turned into something completely different. And more than you will ever know, I thank you guys so much.**

**Xxellabearxx, NarutoQueen, amanda, Dani, broizzlesmoke323 (special thanks to you for encouraging me to continue this as more than a one shot!), racheldh, hlskroc, Lady Azura, Forever Fan 13, Degrassi–Fan12, Cam Maya, Dixiewinxwrites12, Islanda, abattoirr, TheOceanCrumb, peanutbutterpickle22, Adayinthelife203, LoveLifeLyrics, ItsVintageHearts, Southparkfreak101, Guest, Dramamamapwnsall, and Wer1007: I cannot thank you all enough for your reviews. Each and every one of them made my day that much better. So thank you :)**

**And thank you to everyone who Favorited and Followed this story!**

**I hope you all enjoy this last chapter. Please let me know what you think! :) **

His eyes fixated on the clock as he wrapped his hand the blonde girl's beside him. He rubbed her thumb with his and found comfort in the softness of her skin.

Cam turned his head and was met with the reassuring smile of Maya.

_She could make everything okay._

Nervous as he was for this first appointment, Cam knew with Maya by his side he would be alright. He could make it through.

His ears registered the sound of someone clearing their throat and he jumped in his chair thinking it was already the therapist calling him back.

Glancing at the clock, he saw that he had a little over twenty minutes before his appointment.

The grip on his hand tightened and he heard the same minuscule cough.

"Maya, are you okay?" He noticed Maya's eyes cloud with hesitation and a nervous look replace her reassuring smile.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I just... I think it would be good if I told you what I've been up to since you've been in the hospital. I mean, I don't have to... I know it might be hard for you to hear. But I think it'd be good for you to talk about it with your therapist. I just, uh, I don't want you to find out about it from someone else or in the halls or I don't know, what do you think?"

Taken completely off guard, Campbell questioned if he could handle hearing about Maya with another guy.

_Am I strong enough for this?_

"Well, the thought of you with another guy doesn't make me too happy, but I do want a second chance. And this can be our clean slate. There's no where to go but up, right?"

He hoped the minimal enthusiasm he managed to muster up was believable and gave her hand a comforting tug, willing her to begin.

"Cam, you should know that I was pretty messed up for a while. After our fight at the hospital, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was mad at you, at me, at the whole situation. I was just mad. And I didn't care anymore, about anything. I figured I wasn't good enough for you, that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend that you could come talk to me. I hated myself. I really hated myself, Campbell. And then one night I went to a party. I guess I just figured, why not? When I got there, everything just came crushing down. I felt so alone and guilty and upset and I just didn't want to feel anymore. I just wanted all of the feelings to go away... so I started drinking."

Slowly, he could feel his heart being ripped from his chest. The stark white walls in the waiting room suffocated him. Sweat started forming on his palms and he had to pull his hand away from Maya's to wipe it on his letterman jacket.

_That isn't my Maya. My Maya doesn't drink. My Maya doesn't hate herself. My Maya is happy._

_What have you done to her, Saunders?_

"I don't even remember how much I drank that night, Cam. I was a mess. I just remember kissing a random guy and someone recording it. I was an idiot for sending Dallas that video. I wanted to hurt you, Cam. I was so, so mad at you. But then the next day, I realized what I had done and I hated myself even more."

Campbell had to forcefully hold back tears. The way Maya's eyes glistened, the regret in her voice, the slight tremble in her hand, it was all too much.

The girl sitting before him was going through so much in his absence.

And it was all his fault.

He felt her warm breath on his face as she exhaled a breath and watched her bite her lip ever so slightly before continuing.

"I kissed that guy a couple of times after the party. It was stupid of me and I have never regretted anything so much. He didn't even like me... I was just a hook up to him. And I felt so gross every time I was with him. _He wasn't you, Campbell_. And I missed you so much and I just... the whole thing, everything I did then was a mistake. I'm just so sorry. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. Not just with the guy, but for not being there for you when you needed me. I wasn't there for you. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about all of it, Campbell."

He reached up and wiped away a stray tear that was falling down her face before responding.

"Maya, listen to me. None of it was your fault. None of it. And even though I want to kick that guy's ass for treating you how he did, I'm not mad at you for any of it. I can't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. I put you in a really bad place, Maya, and I should be the one apologizing. You have nothing to worry about. You're amazing. So, wipe away these tears before they decide both of us need therapy..."

He added a small smile with his last comment and was relieved to hear her giggle.

_This is going to be tougher than I thought._

A door suddenly opened on the other side of the room and a homely woman called out for him.

_This is it. You can do this._

He felt Maya give his hand one last squeeze before he let go and made his way to the door.

The room's appearance immediately put him at ease. He had expected a therapist's office to look sterile and uncomfortable but the room reminded him of his living room back in Kapuskasing.

"Please, Campbell, make yourself at home. I want you to feel as comfortable here as possible. Nothing you say in this room will ever leave it, so feel free to open up to me. I will never judge you."

_Judgment free? Maybe this will be okay after all._

"You can call me Dr. Sutton. I specialize in youth therapy and cases of depression."

He willed his head to nod.

"So, Campbell... why?"

_Why? This lady sure isn't one for subtly..._

Dr. Sutton surely noticed the alarm on Cam's face as she expanded on her question.

"You just seem like someone who wants to get right to the point. So, why'd you do it?"

_Time to be honest, Campbell. Be honest._

He sighed and shifted his hands in his jacket pockets. Looking into the brown eyes of the woman before him, he took another breath before finally voicing the truth.

"I was sad." He said the statement so matter of fact he surprised even himself. "I was really, really sad. Not just upset over a test grade or being away from home, I wasn't sad about missing a shot in hockey or a fight with my girlfriend. My whole body felt sad. It was pulling me down day after day, deeper and deeper. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't breath, like I was losing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I was happy sometimes. I had these amazing moments where I finally felt like I was going to be okay, that everything was going to be okay. But I guess the higher you are, the harder you fall, huh? When I got sad again, I was always more sad than the last time. Each day was a battle and I felt like I was losing. One day I guess I was just... _done_. I felt like I had lost everything and there was nothing more for me. I was tired of being sad, I just didn't want to feel. And what's the only way to not feel sadness anymore? Death. It felt like the only way out and I went with it."

He exhaled sharply and averted his gaze to the floor. That was the first time he had really talked about his feelings and it felt good. He felt good.

"Do you regret it?"

Cam started to answer before pausing to think about what Dr. Sutton was really asking.

Sure, he had told Dallas and his parents and Maya that he regretted it. Hell, he even told himself that he regretted it. And he did, didn't he?

He decided to silence his frenzied mind and speak from the heart.

"No, I don't regret it." Even Campbell didn't expect those words to come out of his mouth. "I mean, I'm really happy to be alive and I know what I did was incredibly stupid. And I regret how I hurt the people around me. But I don't regret jumping... it may not make sense to you but I think I was meant to jump. It really put things in perspective for me. I needed it. It made me realize that people _are_ there for me. People _do_ care about me. Even with this stupid chair and how messed up my life is, I know that dying is never the way out. It doesn't solve anything. It might make me feel better, but what it does to the people I care about, I don't want to be responsible for that. What I did was selfish because I didn't think about the people my death would affect. I know that I'm here for a reason... I don't know what yet, but I do know that I am supposed to be here. And I'm sure it's not gonna be easy. I know I'm still going to feel useless and lonely and like I'm not good enough but I guess that's why you're here, right?"

He flashed his famous crooked smile and internally praised himself for being so honest.

"That's right, Campbell. That's why I'm here. You should know that this is going to be an uphill battle; it's not going to be easy. But I have faith in you that you can do it. And you seem to have great friends and family that make you happy and I'm sure they'll be there for you, too. So, tell me, Campbell, who makes you happy?"

She barely had time to finish the question before a vision of the blue eyed girl he loved so much invaded his mind.

"My girlfriend. Or my... uh, I'm not sure what we are right now. Her name's Maya Matlin and she's the best person I know. Before the, uh, incident, she was the only thing keeping me here. She was my only reason to smile, the only light in my day. She was, no, she _is_, my everything."

Even in recounting his feelings for Maya, Cam noticed the look of discomfort in Dr. Sutton's eyes.

"Did I say something wrong?" He was utterly confused why her demeanor had changed so much.

"Well, no. I think it's great that you have such a person in your life. She sounds incredible–"

"She is." Campbell didn't like the insinuation that Maya was anything less than perfect and he could feel his skin growing warmer as he gripped the chair tighter.

"And I believe you. But let me just ask you this, Campbell. How do you think you would feel if, say, she wasn't in your life anymore? Hypothetically speaking, of course. Let's just say you two broke up or you moved back to Kapuskasing or something caused you both to let go. How would you handle it?"

The question hung like a storm cloud over his head. He saw his light slipping away and felt darkness surround him. He couldn't even imagine his life without Maya in it. _There was no life without Maya_. And he realized how unhealthy that sounded.

_Do I really rely on her that much?_

Tears pricked up in his brown eyes as he tried to express what he was feeling.

"I... I guess... I don't know. Truthfully, I don't know if I could survive that... Maya is my everything. I feel so empty without her. Empty and worthless and unimportant... that's bad, huh?"

His eyelashes fluttered fast forcing the building tears away.

"No, it's not bad, Campbell. Truly, the fact that you have someone such as Maya in your life is wonderful. I just want to make sure you don't rely on her for everything. You're pretty young yourself, so I'd imagine Maya is your age if not younger, correct?"

He gave the slightest nod of the head, refusing to look Dr. Sutton in the eyes.

"Well, this is all a lot of pressure for a girl so young. I'm not saying you two shouldn't see each other anymore. In fact, I would encourage that you continue to see each other just as you always have. But maybe you should work on a balance? You mentioned someone by the name of Dallas earlier? Maybe instead of spending every night with Maya, you could substitute a couple nights a week for dinner with a friend, maybe Dallas? You could play a stress free game of hockey, just for fun. Or see a movie with your parents. Life is all about balance, Campbell. Maybe one reason you felt so sad after feeling so happy was because Maya was your only source of happiness. If things were rough between you two, it made your whole world crash down. But this way, with more balance, if ever things aren't good with Maya, you have others to fall back on. You have different ways to make yourself happy."

Cam shook his head vigorously, realization washing over him. The last thing he wanted to do was add stress to Maya's life. She was his source of happiness, he didn't want to be her source of unhappiness.

_Is that what I bring her? Unhappiness?_

"Love is a beautiful thing, Campbell. When you find the right love it can be passionate and blissful and intoxicating. And I think you've found it. You found your light, so to speak. But it's important to make sure that light doesn't burn out. Now, I'll see you next week at the same time, right?"

"Yeah, definitely. Th–thank you, Dr. Sutton. This helped. A lot."

* * *

Rolling back out to the waiting room, Campbell felt his head swimming with various thoughts concerning Maya.

_It's important to make sure that light doesn't burn out._

_Don't let it burn out, Saunders._

He felt Maya's arms wrap themselves around him and breathed in the smell of lilacs exuding from her soft hair.

"So, how'd it go?"

"Uh, it went well. It went really well actually. But Maya, I need to ask you something and you need to answer me truthfully, okay?"

He was sure his apprehensiveness was showing now and he hoped Maya didn't take much notice of it.

"Of course, Cam. What's wrong?"

Mentally, he recalled his favorite memory with Maya, sitting together in the photo booth at the mall.

_"I have a secret, too. I don't like hockey..." _

_"Me either."_

He was afraid that those memories would lay scattered at his feet in a few moments but knew it was only fair to Maya that she get the option out.

He had to put her happiness before his own.

"Is this relationship... or whatever we are, or just being around me, uh, is this..."

He could hear himself rambling and saw the confused look on Maya's face.

_Man up, Saunders._

"Is this all too much for you, Maya? I mean, I know I put you through a lot. I know this isn't easy for you. I know you've been dealing with a lot and I can't be selfish anymore. Honestly, Maya, you are my happiness. Maybe it's not fair for me to tell you that, but I want to be honest. You are my light, Maya, and I love you more than you know. But I don't want you to be worried about me constantly and I definitely don't want you to feel like you _have_ to stick by me. I want you to be happy. Always. So, is this all too much? You're only a freshman and I pulled you into this when I did what I did that day– "

"Campbell, stop."

Her furrowed eyebrows, the unreadable expression in her eyes, the way she tapped her thumbs against one another, Cam was sure she was going to get up and leave him sitting there, alone.

Maya surprised him by once again placing herself in his lap and wrapping her hands around his neck. He locked eyes with her and swallowed hard, preparing himself for what she was bound to say next.

"Campbell, I don't know if we'll be together forever. I don't know if we'll always be boyfriend and girlfriend. I can't promise you that because that isn't a promise I would ever want to break. But you should know by now that I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Campbell Saunders. And even though I can't promise that you'll always call me yours, I can promise you that I will _always_ be there for you. It doesn't matter where life takes us, I'm invested now and forever. If you call me next year and just need to talk, I will be there to talk. If you call me in 30 years and just want to hear my voice, I will stay on the phone for hours with you. If we are 80 years old and living in a nursing home and you just want to sit next to me, I will stay there all day with you. If you need me ever, I will be there for you. I can promise you that, Campbell. So, no, this isn't too much. It's not easy and I know we both have a long way to go, but there's no one I'd rather be with."

He was positive his jaw had dropped now. All he could do was stare at the girl in front of him and wonder how he had gotten so lucky.

"Can I tell you a secret, Cam?"

_I have a secret, too._

"You're my happiness, too." And with that she gave him a light kiss, causing his lips to burn under the touch of hers.

Cam knew life wasn't going to be easy. He was in a chair, he had a lot of relationships to rebuild, and he would always have the stigma of the boy who tried to kill himself. Some days would be unbearable, he knew. Some days he would feel like giving up all over again.

But he knew he never would. Not again.

He forever had his shining beacon of light guiding him and pulling him out of the darkness.

**I just want to add that I personally don't think that suicide is selfish. I know I had Cam say that but I just figured that would factor into his thought process. I just wanted to make sure I didn't offend anybody.**

**Thank you all for reading :) **


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